The Evolution of Patience

I, admittedly, did not have a ton of patience in my early adult years and it is something I have had to work on and grow in to!  I think I would even go so far as to have termed myself ‘a bit of a firecracker!’  The redheaded gene just missed me by an inch or so, but I still got a healthy dose of freckles and the hot temperament often associated with gingers. 

I think I had pretty good patience when I was a kid but as a teenager and young adult, my frustrations and impatience would come out in bouts of anger and down right immature temper tantrums!  (I blame it on being a Scorpio!) 

As I look back on my own personal ‘patience evolution’… I realize that patience (like many other traits) can be learned, but it also requires a choice to continually cultivate and develop it.  

Weirdly, it wasn’t a slow learning curve like you might expect and that I just naturally mellowed with age.  It became very clear, in an instant, that I needed to change my ways, learn how to take a breath and reel it in.   

And I know exactly when things changed for me… the day that my younger brother, with special needs, came to live with us. 

My brother, Matthew, and I are only 22 months apart so I can not remember my life without him in it.  I never really thought about how integrated our lives were until I went out on my own at 18 and he moved to a different town with my parents that was 9 hours away. 

I was busy asserting my new found independence, learning from my mistakes (well most of them!) and growing into adulthood.  And since I didn’t see my brother everyday anymore, I forgot what some of his daily life challenges were and probably always would be.  Or maybe… I was just older and slightly more wiser and began to think about what the future looked like for Matthew and how much care he might need for the rest of his life.   

One thing I did know for sure… Matthew was ready and capable for some independent living and in my over achieving brain I just knew that I could teach him all the life skills he needed to know to make it on his own!  I knew he would always need assistance with some tasks, but I romanticized that I could have him in his own apartment, doing his own laundry and cooking all his own meals within 6 months.   

That was 25 years ago.   

My youthful expectations and vision were slightly misaligned with reality and I soon discovered that my impatience and frustration wasn’t the best approach to foster a healthy, independent living environment!   

The learning curve for me was probably just as intense as it was for Matthew!  I quickly learned that I was the one who had to change my teaching style and try new things until I found some techniques that worked.  It was evident from the start that the importance of very detailed step by step instructions were needed… followed by a lot of repetition.   

We made a lot of progress in those first few years with Matthew’s independence but I still had a rocket temper and would still lose my patience at times when I made the assumption that Matthew should ‘know better’ and ‘just know’ things.   

Wow… as I write this blog, I truly realize how ridiculous I used to be! 

Thankfully at this time in my life I worked for the RCMP and one of the best things I learnt there was that you should NEVER assume anything because all that gets you is making an ASS out of U and ME! 

Sounds silly, but it really was another bit of a turning point in my patience evolution!   

Along with everyday life skills, there was a whole other side of things that I hadn’t considered… emotional intelligence and the use (or lack thereof) of subtlety.  And how in the heck do you teach that???   

With a lot of patience. 

And a lot of repetition. 

So that’s what we did and what we continue to do… patiently repeat things, again and again, until they began to land.  Not just the routines and tasks, but the nuances.  The “reading between the lines” kind of stuff that so many of us take for granted.  I have had to learn how to communicate more clearly, more kindly, and more consistently.  And in doing so, I became a better sister, a better listener, and quite honestly, a better human. 

What I didn’t realize back then was that it wasn’t just Matthew learning from me… I was learning from him.  He taught me that not everything needs to move fast.  That repetition is not failure.  That growth doesn’t always look like a straight line.  And most of all, he showed me that love and patience are really two sides of the same coin. 

Patience isn’t about being passive.  It’s not about sitting back and waiting for things to magically work out.  It’s about being active in your presence.  It’s choosing to show up again and again, even when it’s hard, even when you’re tired, even when things aren’t moving as fast as you thought they would. 

I didn’t become more patient by accident or by age.  I became more patient because life, and my brother, gave me opportunities to practice it.  Again and again and again. 

And that’s the real evolution.  It’s not about becoming perfect at it.  It’s about choosing it, every day, in ways big and small.  It’s about letting go of unrealistic timelines and making room for what matters most: connection, growth, love… and probably a little bit of laughter along the way. 

So, if you’re reading this and feel like patience is something you're still “working on”… welcome to the club!  You're not behind.  You’re just in the middle of your own beautiful evolution. 

Much love